As a child I found myself to be more of an outcast and unaccepted, I was fat and always picked on and rediculed, though because I have always been a big guy and very "beefy." I did not get bullied physically, I was a bit of a sofety at first, my thoughts would somewhat be my get away were I would tune out the world around me. I would think of things to do to them because of the way they treated me. I found myself to be antisocial, I didn't like to be around people, I was not good at making friends, I was shy and really weird. I found myself holding in alot of emotions and not talking to people, I got into minor trouble and have done things that no one knew about. I can recall in my first or third grade year a child named James had taken a cookie away from me and pushed me, in return during our outside play time I saw him high up on the Jungle-Jim set. I ran up there as fast as I could and watched him wait his turn for the slide once he was up I ran up from behind and pushed him off of the Jungle-Jim and looked over to see him laying in the mulch below me. I told him if he told he would regret it, once the teacher asked him what happened he said he'd fallen. That really was the day where I enjoyed pain of others, when my mom asked how school was I said with a smile, "good mommy."
My family is very religious which I find myself to not truly be a part of, I was raised by a single mother and always felt alone due to the absence of my father. I wondered throughout feeling alone and unwanted, like a bastard child who was scum. My mother is a good parent but I felt no true connection with her, she was always there for me no matter what but for some reason I didnt seem to love her. She always has done the best for us, from moving from the "ghetto" areas to the beautiful Suburbs of Blue Ash, Ohio. She is a hard worker and has given me a life most want.
But anyway...
Fifth Grade, I was fasinated with Entomology (the study of insects) I would capture Praying Mantis and breed them with other, I had a large fist tank I kept them in along with crickets and other little creatures. I was fasinated with technology, always building and studying. My favoirtes where Anatomy and Physics, i would sit and read for hours to try to understand the equations and I would marvel at the human body and its glory. I kept many pets and alot of hamsters, they say that psychopaths can be cruel to animals but I was a lover of them. Rabbits, hamsters (many), frogs, cats, dogs, herment crabs, basically every animal or insect you could imagine. But then something changed in me, it started when I had went to school one day and some kid poked my stomach and called me names constantly, then other children joined in, one lifted up my shirt and slapped my stomach a girl had ridiculed me when my pants ripped from the crotch down. I was almost pushed down the steps but then caught myself as I started to fall, mocked and outcasted. My grades failed because I started to think of ways of hurting them, my thoughts became clouded with hate and sick thoughts of torture. I started to kill my insects that I once loved so much, a woman knew how much I loved animals so she gave me twenty hamsters in which we donated to a pet store and kept six. I remember coming home once angry and crying, I think I had finally snapped. Due to legal issues I will not discuss what happened to the animals.
Throughout my years I became agressive and hostile, I started to get in trouble with the law and started to steal more (which was nothing new I started to steal around age six) have gotten kicked out three times from school. Had gotten expelled from highschool for making a threat, which I still find myself innocent of being falsly accused. My actions and thoughts became violent, when people would make fun of me I would sometimes put my thoughts to actions. Apon becoming sexually aware I knew how to find innocent and "easy target" girls and I would manipulate them into thinking I was their knight in shinning armour, then once I got what I wanted they where like an empty bottle to me. Trash. I developed urges and compulsions and I would get in trouble not knowing why I committed the act in the first place, I stole from family members and became abusive to my peers and family. I hate not to have control and when I would lose that control I become very aggresive and hostile. My love of animals and my happiness as a child seem to have vanished as if they where never there. Due to legal issues I can not discuss and will not discuss such matter of animals. My emotions (though I never really felt like I had them) seemed to be frozen I no longer tried to mimic others to fit in nor cared about them. I was taken to Childrens Hospital on many occasions and spent time in their psych-unit but I knew how to play it off to get out early. I went to see therapists who once I told about myself and let "my colors show" in which he tried to put me on medications. Which once more I faked and got out of.
But throughout all of that people see me as a sweet guy, loving, caring, a little bit of a jerk at times, funny and females see me as a perfect guy. Which is what I want them to see. There are many other things I have not mentioned about my childhood or thoughts due to the fact that this page is getting too long.
